|Alive and Worthy, LLC.||
by: La'Toya R. Sibley
Having "Those" Conversations
I love sitting with my hubby and having "those" conversations. You know, the ones that because most couples don't have they end up broken up and divorced. It's been an unspoken...... thing in our home that we be open, honest and transparent. We both decided a long time ago that this is it. Divorce is not an option. "Till death do us part" is real for us. So "those" conversations are a must. The "I need more sex because I'm on the verge of cheating" talks and especially the "You hurt me when you did this" conversations. We can't walk around harboring bitterness and resentment. Not if together forever is our destiny and we want to keep it that way. This is where a lot of couples mess up. They are so afraid of hurting one another's feelings that they neglect to have "those" conversations and often times feel misunderstood and mistreated. Well, if you never voiced verbally what you needed or felt anywhere other than in your own head or to your friends, then yes you will most definitely feel this way.
I know some of you are saying "Well I did that. I voiced my feelings and nothing changed". I'll ask you two things.
1. Did you talk to them or at them?
2. Were you completely honest and looking for a resolution versus conflict?
There is a difference. Listen to me when I say this......... NOBODY IS GOING TO LISTEN TO YOU IF YOUR TALKING AT THEM INSTEAD OF TO THEM. Let's have a conversation versus a lecture. Your not talking to a child. Even though you may feel like they act childish in some cases, you're still talking to an adult. If you treat a man or woman like a boy or girl, they will act like a boy or girl versus being the man or woman that they are. And just a side note, don't talk at your children either. This will only set them up to be adults who allows other adults to treat them this way until they get tired of it and start lashing out at everybody. Then you sitting around talking about "I don't know where they get that from. Must be from that other side of the family". No that was all you. Anywho!
People tend to shut down when they feel like they are being lectured to versus having a conversation. I know because I'm one of those people. My husband knows that I will shut down quick when I feel as if I'm being treated like a little girl. Is it right? No. But it's human nature and as much as I try not to do it, it happens. I've seen this happen so much even in counseling people. We have to be respectful of others at all times in order to get some positive results. You want to be respected right? Well, you get what you give out. You reap what you sow. What goes around comes around. All that good stuff. Unless you're a college professor in a lecture hall, save the speeches and melodramatics. It won't solve anything and won't do nothing but make your mouth dry from all that talking.
Secondly, were you completely honest and looking for a resolution versus more conflict? If you don't enter the "conversation" in the right head space, this won't be pretty. Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy. You can't withhold a piece or a part because you think they can't handle the real and raw you. If they can't, is this really the one for you. God has graced my husband and I to handle the real about one another. We don't judge or cast down one another because we understand that we are both human and we want "this" to work. We seek resolution at every turn. If we feel ourselves getting heated, we take a break from the issue, go to our corners and have a conference with the Holy Spirit. The enemy is constantly trying to throw daggers at our relationships. And his main tool is deception and dishonesty in order to divide and conquer. He'll make things appear one way when they really aren't. We have to device within ourselves that resolution, as opposed to conflict, is at the forefront of our relationship. If you find yourself constantly looking for more conflict, then this may not be the one that God has for you. True love doesn't produce conflict. If you can look at your mate and want to push their buttons more and more, it may be time to throw in the towel.
Now there are some people who feel that conflict adds spice to the relationship and they love the making up part. If that floats your boat, that's your business. But don't bring a unwilling participant into this type of twisted mind space. God is not the author of confusion and this is just that. You have to know you and be completely honest with your s.o. Allow them to decide if they want to get on this rollercoaster as opposed to forcing them on it. You may regret forcing them on it. I'm just saying.
Okay long story short, "those" conversations have to be had. It's an absolute must. Healthy and honest dialogue is necessary for a long lasting and fulfilling relationship. Also let your children see you both being conflict resolution oriented. Kids learn by watching and through experience. Let them see you talk it out like two mature human beings. Conflict is evident, resolution is a choice. If it can't be done then that, my friend, is not the one.
Unapologetic is me, L.